I sat and pensively with pindrop silence heard & saw the father apologise to his late daughter . The silence was pulpible as the whole church tried to come to terms with what was happening after the service as the congregation lined up to condone with the family i stood and in typical non verbal communication starred deep into Mzees eyes – my grip on his hand tight but warm enough .
I did not know whether to say sorry for your loss or I understand your pain ( not of losing a child ) but of making wretched decisions. I wanted to tell him I know how past mistakes can hunt you down all the days of your life – Mzee had served longer than me in the foreign service and with time you nature a skill on how to deliver hard blows in a velvet glove .I moved on to the next family member, but my mind has not left the balozi . See, balozi is me ! I am balozi infact, we all are balozi . in hushed tones and over tea and lunch with my agemates and later meeting a group of older ladies over an aged drink and a fired up jiko I heard ‘our’ judgemental sentiments , the tragedy is that we all heard the apology but saw only the sin !
I thank God that he made me sit down & with an open heart listen – everyone makes mistakes , fewer realise it , even fewer acknowledge & even fewer apologise and the least actually RECIVE it. The anger of being faulted always seems to superceed the grace of an apology, yet an APOLOGY seems STUPID until YOU have to make one . FORGIVENESS seems like an escape until you need it & it becomes a matter of life and death. We all need grace, but we will only give grace IF it’s us who needs it most . Was that last look a billboard of wretched edge ?
A point to no return ? All of us are total recipients of Gods grace & forgiveness and righteousness solely based on grace. He who learns MUST suffer .Grace is Gods unmerited undeserved overflowing abundant favour towards you in spite of what you have done. Did he just need grace & we all were too busy justifying our communal perception of a wretched life ? Instead of slaving others in punishment can we give grace & forgiveness freely; don’t make others earn it ?
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